The people we are willing to do business with, and to spend real time with, are the people we know, like, and trust. After nearly fifty years working with family offices and high-net-worth families, I can tell you the formula has never changed. It sounds almost too simple to matter. The difficulty is never the idea. It is the skill of living it, especially when the relationships are worth protecting at all costs.
People complicate things. My secret formulas are all very simple. What is not simple is the skill it takes to carry them out with people who are under pressure and cannot afford a misstep. So let me walk through how this actually plays out inside a family office.
The formula is simple. Living it is not.
Someone comes to know, like, and trust you in a particular order. First there is an appearance, an aura, an energy that is somehow immediately attractive, so we are drawn in and we like the person. Then we get to know them a little by talking, and a little more by observing: reading what they write, watching their posts and their videos. And finally we come to trust them, because their information is reliable and we have never once seen anything that makes us recoil and walk away.
In today's world you have to earn all three, and quickly. If you lose someone right off the bat, you have lost them. That is as true for the advisor inside a family office as it is for anyone else. The relationship is the whole asset, and it is fragile in exactly the moment it matters most.
The real problem inside a family office is not the money
Here is the biggest issue I see, and it is not the one people expect. It is the apprehension on the part of the administrators of the family office themselves. They genuinely want to help. They can see the personality dynamics playing out among the family members they serve. But they are frozen by one thought: I cannot risk losing this account. I cannot risk alienating anybody.
I understand that completely. But short of the fear, which we can work through together, what is the alternative? If you do nothing, the problem does not go away. And you cannot simply take on my role any more than I could take on yours. So we have to walk through it. People are deeply uncomfortable, and meeting them exactly where they are in that discomfort is the number one part of the job.
How I get introduced without anyone feeling handled
When a family office professional decides to bring me in, the first thing we do is choreograph the introduction, and I do not need to do it without them. I sit beside you. We get on a Zoom together, and we talk to the person you are having the difficulty with, one to one. Or we go into a small group call, more like a webinar, and let people talk while I moderate and you jump in whenever you want.
The language is gentle and honest. You say something like: "We have been talking about all of this, and I have an expert who specializes in relationships. I would like to bring her on screen so the three of us can meet, and you can decide whether you want her help." From there it unfolds. They talk with me, they get their own impressions, and then they decide how they want to handle the rest of the family. Do they feel equipped to go back on their own? Would they like me to come along as an escort? They choose.
Take them off the financial hook
There is one more piece that changes everything, and it removes the pressure instantly. You tell them plainly: "Your family office has me on a retainer. This is a service that we provide, because we truly believe in this work and in what we need to accomplish together." That single sentence takes them off the financial hook. It reframes the help as something the office already offers, not a bill or a verdict. Done.
Watch the conversation
I sat down with Jess Todtfeld to talk through all of this in more depth. You can watch the full conversation here.
Why the simple formula holds
Strip away the wealth, the prenuptial agreements, the deals awaiting a family's approval, and you are left with people who need to feel safe, understood, and respected. Know, like, and trust is not a marketing phrase to me. It is the sequence by which a nervous family member decides to let someone in. My job is to earn all three quietly, so the family office keeps the account, the family gets the help, and no one ever feels handled.